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Ever had a funny/interesting/awesome run in with the law? Want to incriminate yourself on a worldwide-scale? Submit your stories to IFoughtTheLawAndDidOrDidNotWin at gmail.

While I was waiting for my mom to pick us up after school the other day, I started juggling, as I usually do. I’m pretty good, so I started throwing around 5 of them, doing a fairly good job of keeping them in the air. Anyway, I’m juggling five, and all of a sudden, I hear a voice on the loudspeaker, saying, “How many are you juggling?” This totally freaked me out for a few seconds, until I saw the black car across the intersection and the man inside holding the microphone to speak through. He asked again, “Are you juggling 4 or 5?” I answered that I was juggling five. He drove past us, and as he did, I realized that I had just been called out by a cop in one of the undercover police cars. Awesome!
-Daniel

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This Residential Lease legally signifies that the parties whose signatures appear below have entered a contract of mutual annoyance. The Lessor, who will surely hereafter be referred to as That Landlord Who Was Once A Student But Stuck Around Too Long And Was Disfigured By Time Into A Townie (TLWWOASBSATLAWDBTIAT), agrees to rent this property to TENANT as a private residence/sty of debauchery.

1. TERMS: This Rental Agreement shall go unread by TENANT, and TLWWOASBSATLAWDBTIAT will likely take advantage of this negligence and secure permission to do shady things like installing bathroom cameras or cultivating an asbestos farm.

2. PAYMENTS: All rent payments are to be made the day before tickets for literally every awesome concert that ever comes to town go on sale. Payments can be made by cash or check, but soon-to-expire gift cards shall not be considered. If TENANT comes from a family that uses the word vacation as a verb, he/she should forward this document onto Father, who will undoubtedly “see to it.-

3. SECURITY DEPOSIT: Under no circumstance will the security deposit be returned upon completion of the lease. Nope, not a chance. Even if TENANT is quiet, friendless, and Asian, his/her biological study odor will linger permanently, decreasing the unit’s value by the percent equivalent of a single shameful letter grade.

4. UTILITIES: TENANT agrees to pay all the standard understood utilities, unless TENANT repeatedly mentions that, “OMG,- this is her “VERY FIRST APARTMENT,- in which instance utilities shall include but are not limited to: water, electricity, cooking gas, heating gas, air conditioning gas, internet, liquor license, cable, groundskeeping, parking maintenance, and property tax.

5. OCCUPANTS: Outside of agreed TENANT, no guest(s) shall be permitted more than one week’s occupancy without consent of TLWWOASBSATLAWDBTIAT. This includes girlfriends, guys named Schmiddy who are between places at the moment, community college students vicariously living the real deal, unemployed recent graduates, and Randy Quaid.

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Mega Man

I honestly don’t blame them for not including me. They really needed the extra space for the gaggle of Resident Evil chumps. It’s a pretty great move, so long as you ignore the fact that survival horror characters bring nothing to the fighting game table. But if they happen to come upon any puzzles mid-combo, they’ll totally be prepared! Besides, the Mega Man void has been filled by the all-powerful Zero. I mean, the guy has a ponytail! How cool is that?

Seriously, though: Get a haircut you f**king robot hippie. I’d rather play as Servbot.

Cyclops

I used to be the face of this series. The cover of “X-Men vs. Street Fighter- had me shaking hands with Ryu. Now the guy won’t even return my calls. Why does Capcom hate me? I shoot lasers out of my eyes. I am the leader of the X-Men and they include a f**king Sentinal over me! That’d be like making a Ninja Turtles fighting game and replacing Leonardo with a foot soldier. Though I’ll bet they would have had the decency to give Leonardo a severance package. I had to sell my microwave to pay rent this month. Do you have any idea how degrading it is to heat up a Hot Pocket with an optic blast?

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